How your ego is affecting your mental health

Your ego is the part of your mind that creates your sense of self-identity and self-worth. It’s how you perceive yourself and want others to perceive you. Everyone has an ego, and there’s nothing wrong with that – but when left unchecked, it can quietly affect your mental health, your relationships, and your decision-making both at work and at home.

If you notice your ego influencing you in a situation, simply acknowledging that your ego is involved will improve your decision-making and your life.

Understanding your ego

Your ego helps you identify your uniqueness, stand up for yourself, and put plans into action. It’s an essential part of being human. However, it’s incredibly important that you notice how your ego impacts your decisions, because it can be a negative influence.

If you can think of a time when you’ve done or said something that had negative consequences, this was your misguided ego at play.

Having an awareness of your ego plays a large part in improving your relationships with others, as well as your ability to manage others and yourself. Many people find that becoming more aware of their ego helps them feel happier and more grounded.

How the ego works

Your ego’s job is to feel important. Its survival depends on it. Unfortunately, this translates to your ego needing to fight and defend itself. It seems counterintuitive, but the ego needs negative situations to arise so it can have something to do, something to worry about, or something to change. So if you’re happy, and everything is perfect, your ego will already be looking for an issue to cling to or a drama to create. We know…so helpful!

The ego does not live in the present. While it is a fact that only the present moment exists, and the past and future exist only in the mind, your ego wants you to be thinking about the past and future. This means thinking about things that have gone wrong in the past, or things that may go wrong in the future.

As a rule, every single time you take something personally, this is the work of your ego.

This means if you think back to when someone was rude to you and you felt offended, or you felt superior to them as a result – it’s your ego talking. If you worry about an event coming up, it’s your ego talking. If you receive some feedback you don’t like, regardless of whether it was just or unjust, it’s your ego talking.

Signs your ego is at work

Your ego takes you away from the present moment. Imagine living your whole life thinking about the past and the future, and then realising at the end that all you ever had was the present moment – but you were too stuck in your head to fully engage your senses and enjoy the world around you.

Here’s how you can identify when your ego kicks in (we’ve all done these things at some point):

At work and in daily life

Do you compare yourself to others? Perhaps you feel threatened when a colleague gets praise, or you find yourself measuring your success against someone else’s achievements.

Do you look for attention? Maybe you steer conversations back to yourself, or feel uncomfortable when you’re not the centre of things.

Do you see yourself as better, more intelligent, or nicer than others? In a meeting where you feel defensive about feedback, your ego might be convincing you that you know better than everyone else.

Have you ever disliked someone succeeding? When a team member gets promoted or wins a new project, do you feel genuinely happy for them – or does a small voice whisper that you deserved it more?

Do you like talking about people’s imperfections? Gossiping about colleagues’ mistakes or pointing out others’ shortcomings can be your ego trying to make you feel superior.

Have you ever noticed that you’re ‘virtue signalling’? Showing off how moral you are, or how hard you work, is your ego seeking validation.

Have you ever looked down on someone for not trying as hard as you? Perhaps judging someone for taking breaks when you’re powering through, or thinking less of someone who doesn’t match your work ethic.

Why this matters

There is nothing wrong with having an ego, and there is nothing wrong with feeling important – but the ego needs to be regulated. The problems arise when it affects your decision making, your mood, or it turns you into a victim, an underdog, or it makes you feel superior to others to justify your behaviour.

Your ego will fight this fact though. It wants to look at the past and the future to find trouble so it can defend itself. It wants to fight. It doesn’t want you to be at peace. Your ego needs an enemy, a situation or a problem to feel bigger or better than. This stops you from enjoying your life and accepting things as they are.

You can, however, learn to accept how things are by simply noticing when your ego is interfering and gently bringing it back into line.

You are not your mind

Most people fully identify themselves with the voice in their head. Have you ever considered the idea that this is not you, but just one part?

You are not your mind.

Over time, you can redefine who you think you are, and how you see others. This will help you make better decisions. This is the difference between “I’m stupid” and “Sometimes, I make stupid decisions.” The distinction between these two viewpoints is massive.

And with others, for example: “He is a lazy person” and “He is not very engaged” are very different. Good managers believe that everyone is a potential winner and that some are just disguised as losers. Bad managers look down on people.

When you get upset, or sad, or angry, or worry, or fear the future, this is not you. It’s just your ego, just your mind. Our society idolises the mind, without an awareness of its imperfections and traps.

If you respond badly (on instinct) to someone’s advice, or to a particular situation you’re in, remember that it’s not ‘you’ with the problem, but your ego. If you make this small but crucial separation, you will be a lot happier and level-headed.

Your ego is just a part of you. Your mind is just a part of you. Your subconscious makes decisions before you know it. You don’t have to think about feeling, breathing, the beating of your heart or the digestion of your food, your presence in the universe, and your sense of smell, touch, taste, sound. These are all you too. You are a lot more than your ego.

You are not an island

In western culture, a child might ask how they came into the world. In eastern culture, a child may ask how they came out of the world. This highlights the problem we have with how we see ourselves in the world.

You are part of an intricately connected universe that only exists because of all its parts. The atoms that make up the neurons that allow your brain to think were once in a star and will one day be in a star again. Your mind is a small part of the universe that has become self-aware.

This is a beautiful quote from author Eckhart Tolle:

“You are not IN the universe, you ARE the universe, an intrinsic part of it. Ultimately you are not a person, but a focal point where the universe is becoming conscious of itself. What an amazing miracle.”

What to do about your ego

The good news is that you can learn to manage your ego with simple, practical techniques. Here are three approaches that many people find really useful:

1. Practising gratitude

Stop everything you’re doing and spend 1 minute listing things that you’re grateful for. You’re not hungry. You slept well. Someone smiled at you at the shop. You love those close to you and they love you. You get to see the sky every day. You have central heating. You love your job.

This simple practice shifts your focus from what your ego thinks you lack to what you actually have.

2. Being in the now

Sit or lie still and count your breaths – focus on that instead of your thoughts. Focus on the sounds around you or really focus on your senses. If your mind wanders, don’t fight it, just notice it and start counting your breaths again.

This technique helps you step outside your ego and simply be present. Even 5 minutes can make a difference to how you feel.

3. When something bad happens… stop

Ask yourself, ‘will being upset or annoyed help me?’ If the answer is no, don’t worry. This will take practice, but it really works.

If you stub your toe or spill a drink on yourself, you can’t stop the event or the sensation. But you can tell yourself that being upset about it does not help you. Don’t fight your emotions though – fighting is the work of the ego. There’s nothing wrong with being annoyed, just remind yourself that it won’t improve your day!

This works in professional situations too. When someone challenges your idea in a meeting, pause before reacting. Will getting defensive help the outcome? Usually not. Your ego wants to fight, but you can choose differently.

Further reading and resources

There are several books which explore the ego in depth. Eckhart Tolle’s ‘The Power of Now’ and Ryan Holiday’s ‘Ego is the Enemy’ are notable books that deal with the subject in an interesting way, offering valuable perspectives on understanding and managing your ego.

It’s also worth searching for Alan Watts on YouTube – a philosopher from the 50s and 60s who shared eastern philosophy through engaging western lectures…

“I’ll tell you what hermits realize. If you go off into a far, far forest and get very quiet, you’ll come to understand that you’re connected with everything.”

― Alan Watts

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